31 days with our anxiety

anxiety is not a feeling

“Anxiety is not a feeling…but rather a coping behavior to an underlying feeling.”

I remember that pivotal moment when my mentor Terry Hargrave (marriage and family therapy pioneer and the founder of Restoration Therapy) told me that insightful truth.

This is a critical truth to understand and here is the reason why.

If we do not understand that our anxiety is a response to a feeling, then we can spend our lives simply managing our anxiety. Essentially managing our coping behavior. Which means essentially just managing our symptoms. We will go to therapy, and see psychiatrists, and practice breathing techniques, and acquire all kinds of tools…all in hope that our anxiety can be managed. And that’s where it will stay — the management of anxiety.

But when we understand that anxiety is a response to a feeling, then we can begin working towards identifying and understanding what the deeper feeling is. And when we do that, we have the opportunity to bring healing to that underlying feeling that has led us to cope with anxiety.

For most of my life I tried to manage my anxiety. And for most of my life it was an exhausting process of simply trying to hold it all together and not fall apart. But when I understood this truth from Terry, and when I had a great therapist understand this as well…I was able to get to the roots of my anxiety.

At the root for me are feelings of never being good enough, feeling inadequate, and feeling abandoned. When those were identified and worked on, guess what — my anxiety began to heal because I was working at a deeper level, not just managing symptoms.

When a client comes into my office with anxiety I usually tell them a few important things — 1) we are going to begin the work of reframing anxiety as an opportunity for growth for you; 2) we are going to identify the roots of your anxiety, by identifying the underlying feelings that lead you to cope with anxiety; 3) as we do the healing of the underlying feelings, we are also going to equip you with tools and practices to help you manage the symptoms of anxiety. 4) and we are going to do these three things in concert with one another.

This is the beginning of transforming anxiety.

Don’t stay at the surface and manage symptoms.

Get to the roots and receive healing.